Staying Alive in 2026
A good mix of flexibility, fresh air, and laughter might help you stay alive in 2026.
Welcome to 2026! It’s that glorious time of year when Americans decide THIS will be the year to get healthy. Millions of us sign up for a gym membership, swear off sugar, stop drinking alcohol, and throw away our cigarettes.
The next few weeks will be life-altering. We’ll squeeze in a few workouts at the gym. We will stretch out in the morning, do yoga, and might even try to meditate. We’ll schedule a medical checkup and be thrilled to hear the first available appointment is eight months away. We’re sure that eight months from now we’ll be in perfect shape. We jump into our crusade. We exercise frantically and survive on nothing but salads, fruit, tofu, and low-fat everything.
The results are astounding. By Groundhog Day, we’re sitting on the couch, sipping wine and polishing off a quart of ice cream. We are glued to The Weather Channel, breathlessly waiting for the Groundhog’s forecast. We are over the gym scene. We hate tofu. Sugar withdrawal is causing non-stop hallucinations, and a jug of wine is the only thing that chases Willy Wonka out of our heads.
Don’t think for a minute we’ve given up. No, we have simply decided to delay our health crusade until Lent. Everyone knows Lent is the best time to give up sugar, sloth, and sins. So we will start slimming whenever Lent arrives.
As we make our plan excuses, the phone rings. A bot voice says our medical checkup has been rescheduled for tomorrow. The bot commands us to fill in the on-line health questionnaire immediately. That’s when the fun starts.
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Old Age Health Questionnaire
Explain & pick one answer: independent / need assistance / dependent/ unable to assess
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Can you use the telephone?
No, because I’m using my phone, trying to do this survey.
Can you walk independently?
I must need assistance, because I can’t take a single step without my dogs being right underfoot.
Can you prepare your own meals?
Unable to assess. My spouse doesn’t like what I cook and won’t let me into the kitchen.
Can you take your own medication?
Unable to assess. I get my medications from a pharmacy, and I have never tried making my own medication. A friend of mine did -- cooked up a big batch of his own medication in the backyard one day. Now he’s in prison, and the cops took his medication recipe.
Can you handle your own finances?
Independent. But the results are not sparkling. The papers scattered all over my office look like a tornado hit, and I’m obsessed with running out of money.
Can you express your needs?
HELL YES! I’m opiniated, like this: “Hey you bunch of overpaid morons, I ‘need’ you to stop asking these bonehead health questions!”Can you dress yourself?
I need assistance with this. Putting on my clothes is no problem. But I need a second opinion on what to wear. My fashion taste is simple: “If it’s not plaid, it’s a fad.” My spouse says I dress like a hillbilly.
Can you toilet yourself?
Unable to assess. I can toilet myself independently just fine. However, I often need assistance unclogging the toilet so the evidence will flush…
Have you had bothersome bladder leakages in the last 6 months?
Please define ‘bothersome’.
Can you feed yourself?
Need assistance. I feed myself perfectly, but not until my spouse is done preparing every meal.
Do you shop for your own groceries?
If my spouse does all the grocery shopping, does that make me ‘independent’ from grocery shopping? Or am I ‘dependent’ because he does all the shopping? I hope he bought some Tylonol, because these questions give me a headache!
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Health History Review
Review for accuracy, & ‘Request Removal’ if desired.
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* Prediabetes:
I don’t take this lightly. Chances are good that if I ‘request removal’ for prediabetes, some goon from ‘SUGAR ICE’ will show up and rip my house apart, trying to find undocumented candy hiding in the closet.
* Fungal infection:
Request removal? If I click yes, will they use a powder or a salve? Or am I signing up for some sort of skin graft?
* Primary osteoarthritis of right foot:
So, my right foot is degenerating. As is the rest of me. However, there is no way I am choosing to ‘request removal’ of my right foot and speed up the process.
* Erectile dysfunction:
This is a no-brainer. The only choice allowed as an answer is ‘request removal’??? It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know what that means. What guy in his right mind is going to click on ‘request removal’ as a fix for erectile dysfunction?
* Mood Problem:
If I have a mood problem, I certainly want that removed. However, getting rid of my mood problem might require a divorce. And I suspect a messy divorce might just increase my mood problems. So based on the fear of becoming homeless, I’ll pass.
* Prostate Cancer:
No thanks. You already took my prostate out 9 years ago. Remember? It was the day after the hospital invited me in for a chat. They wanted me to pre-pay for the surgery! Did they think I was an idiot? I had a better idea: I said if they killed me during surgery they could go through my wallet, take all the cash, and we’d call it good.
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I make a quick review of my answers, then hit ‘SUBMIT’. I know that once the medical folks see my responses, I’ll be given a competency test. The same comprehensive test that presidents who have access to nuclear codes ace every few months: “Draw the clock. Remember three words. Which one is the monkey? Point to the drawing of the cat.”
I open the freezer and grab another quart of ice cream. No time for exercise today -- I need to study for my competency test. I settle back on the couch, binge on ice cream, and watch re-runs of a TV program for pre-school children. Soon I’m ready for my test.
Then an ice cream ‘sugar spike’ hits. Suddenly I’m excited and grateful to be alive. I feel ready to charge into the new year. So with optimism and a very elevated blood sugar level, I send you my best wishes for a 2026 filled with lots of laughter and good health.